Since I arrived in Sweden, I’ve been seeing tulips everywhere. First in the grocery stores, and now waging battle against the receding snow from patches of earth outside. They are hardy flowers to be sure. However, I have yet to see any tulips with extensible stems of this capacity. Probably because the telescopic tulip is only found in Asgard. And high quality elfshit fertilizer not yet available on Midgard.

Speaking of fertilizer made from sentient creatures, I was a little shocked when I first started learning about “designer excrements” available for purchase. Sure, everyone knows about cow manure, but how about milorganite? It’s a fancy term for the processed shit of the city of Milwaukee. They whip up a similar concoction from the turds of Boston. You can’t help but wonder if a little bit of the city character winds up in such brews. People in Milwaukee drink a lot of beer, so I imagine their shit is good for growing barley and hops. Boston is a city of colleges, so it’s probably good for growing those fancy kinds of lettuce you find in the supermarket nowadays. Elves, on the other hand, are creatures of magic, so elfshit is undoubtedly your best medium for growing mysterious flowers, man-sized carnivorous plants, and of course, psychotropic “magic” mushrooms.