Finally, a foolproof way to steer the masses back to the Christian meaning of Easter without touching a single hair on Thumper’s head…
The Jesus Peep
Part marshmallow, part communion wafer, Jesus peeps come in several lovely colors not found in nature and taste god-awful too.
FAIL!
The Easter stats are in! Church attendance is up over Christmas but colored eggs and chocolate rabbits threaten the whole shebang. Luckily militant angel Michael has a solution that will make humans think twice about spurning the holiest of holidays… global eradication of all leporids (yes, I had to look that word up). Thankfully, Jesus sees it another way.
The archangel suggests a brilliant plan to bury Halloween right next to the secrets of Stonehenge… a sneak attack on hell! First, angels sneak in through the volcanoes of Hawaii and Iceland, take out key communications centers throughout the abyss. Next, ground assault (well, underground assault) on hell itself. Next, nuke Hollywood. Next, angelic magistrates on earth, heavenly martial law!
Whew… glad someone is keeping tabs on these militant angels.
Norse gods back next week.
The Christian war on Halloween is definitely a losing battle. Dressing like a freak and eating candy are just too much fun for people. Women need one day a year when they can shamelessly dress like prostitutes and men can wear women’s clothing without anyone thinking strangely. But when Jesus starts dressing as Thor — it’s truly time to throw in the towel.
A battered angel reports to Jesus. Dio has been taken by the Valkyries!
Jesus is getting tired of this kind of thing. The pagan gods are causing more trouble than pocket gophers (pocket gophers wreak havoc on heaven’s perfectly manicured lawns). What would Odin want with a metalhead like Dio anyway? That old buzzard hates electronic music of all kinds.
Jesus learns that the Valkyries delivered Dio straight to Alfheim. The elves there are still rabid for 80s power metal. Fkyeah.
This ends “the Dio cycle” of Odin and Friends cartoons. Rest in Peace, Ronnie James Dio. Next week, we resume the adventures of Loki and Baldur, who are currently rotting in Heimdall’s jail.
The Valkyries have come to deliver Dio to the afterlife.
Angels and demons quake in fear. They are not trained to fight the winged creatures of other religions. Save us from the fury of the Norse women!
Splat. Crush. Plonk. Angel halos and demon horns float in pools of blood as the forest catches on fire.
Dio is surprised to find himself escaping both heaven and hell. But what fate awaits him now?
I remember when I used to go to religious classes and the sisters would tell us the truth about hell: “A lot of people don’t care if they go to hell because they think hell is going to be great; they think ‘I’m just going to go party with my friends,’ but it’s not like that, because the Bible says hell is a place of darkness where there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'”
Well, what if the sisters were wrong and all the party dudes were right? What if hell really is a place where people go to listen to AC DC, drink beer, and have lots of group sex? Wouldn’t heaven have to intervene somehow to make sure people got their proper punishment?
Odin and Friends is primarily concerned with the misadventures of the Norse gods, but occasionally must turn its attention to pressing matters in other corners of the metaphysical universe. Sadly, Ronnie James Dio passed away on May 16, and the now the dominant powers of the Christian religion are fighting over who lays claim to his soul. Dio was fond of saying that there is no such thing as a heaven and hell beyond this world… that heaven and hell are here on earth and exist inside every one of us. However, the battling forces of the Christian universe don’t quite see it that way. Make sure to tune in next week to see how this celestial confrontation plays out.
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