Posts Tagged paganism

9 results.

The Most Awesome Apocalypse Ever

by on June 23, 2011 at 5:00 am
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The end of the world is way overdue. Christianity and the Norse religion both anticipate a terrible apocalypse. Why don’t both groups work together? World serpent and flying scorpions, fire giants and many-headed beast, Fenris wolf and the creepy little kid from the Omen movies… IT WILL BE THE BEST APOCALYPSE EVER.

Let me repeat that:

THE BEST APOCALYPSE EVER IS COMING FOR YOU WICKED SINNER SINNER IF YOU DO NOT REPENT IN THE NAME OF JESU-THOR.

Sorry, folks — I’m a little off my rocker today. For some reason it only feels correct to write doomsday proclamations in capital letters. Try it yourself sometime and you’ll see what I mean!

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The Timeless Question

by on June 9, 2011 at 5:00 am
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Let’s face it, that greased-log-and-boat theory is a little dull compared to what else is out there to explain how those giant stones got from distant locations to present day Stonehenge. Personally, I like the idea of bearded forest people casting spells to raise the stones and then ushering them through the air to their final resting places. Plus two for levitation.

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Jesus Peeps

by on April 28, 2011 at 5:00 am
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Finally, a foolproof way to steer the masses back to the Christian meaning of Easter without touching a single hair on Thumper’s head…

The Jesus Peep

Part marshmallow, part communion wafer, Jesus peeps come in several lovely colors not found in nature and taste god-awful too.

FAIL!

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Kill the Rabbits

by on April 26, 2011 at 5:00 am
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The Easter stats are in! Church attendance is up over Christmas but colored eggs and chocolate rabbits threaten the whole shebang. Luckily militant angel Michael has a solution that will make humans think twice about spurning the holiest of holidays… global eradication of all leporids (yes, I had to look that word up). Thankfully, Jesus sees it another way.

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Halloween in Heaven

by on October 21, 2010 at 5:00 am
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The Christian war on Halloween is definitely a losing battle. Dressing like a freak and eating candy are just too much fun for people. Women need one day a year when they can shamelessly dress like prostitutes and men can wear women’s clothing without anyone thinking strangely. But when Jesus starts dressing as Thor — it’s truly time to throw in the towel.

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Walpurgis

by on April 29, 2010 at 5:00 am
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Walpurgis has arrived. The time of the year when humans lift their heads from the melting muck of winter to pay respect to the gods of spring. A day of great reverence and respect for the gods. And of getting loaded.

Odin shall prove the respect of the humans with the May Day Hangover.

Happy Walpurgis, Beltane, Valborg, Vappu… Spring. Ride your horse responsibly and please don’t barf on my shoes.

Spring Valborg Party

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Saturnalia

by on December 21, 2009 at 5:00 am
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Not many people realize that most Christmas traditions were adopted from pagan society. During the Saturnalia, people roamed the streets drunk and naked, singing blessings to Saturn, the fertility god. Nowadays, Christmas carolers wear six layers of clothing and badger people on their doorsteps with songs about disgusting pudding concoctions and sleigh riding. Yeah, things have gone kind of downhill over the last 2000 years.

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The Reason for the Season

by on December 18, 2009 at 5:00 am
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Put Christ back in Christmas.

Jesus is the reason for the season.

It’s not “winter holiday” – it’s our holiday.

Down with “holiday songs,” up with “Christmas carols.”

Boycott the Gap for not advertising in the name of our Lord.

Ham for everyone.

Outlaw dradle spinning in school.

Put the kabosh on Kwanzaa.

Doesn’t it just make you want to barf?

Hail Odin!

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Party Like Pagans

by on October 30, 2009 at 5:00 am
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Baldur and Loki are eager to attend the Halloween party on Midgard. But first Loki has some Halloween mischief to attend to. When you’re the world’s greatest prankster, Halloween is a work night.

After decorating Odin’s mead hall in fine style, the two adventurers make their way to earth to party with the pagans.

Happy Halloween!

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